ARRGGHH....

I have been busy tidying up the new house and make it as complete as possible so it looks like a real house with proper furniture in it. No phone line at the new home yet, thus the lack of internet and blogging.

Really busy and tired but inside, I was really happy and enjoying the new house, especially seeing my daughter enjoying it too. But last night I had a bad fight with the man and today, feel really lousy and exhausted, not physically but emotionally exhausted. I wish I can be brave enough to quit, take my daughter, and leave him and then saved by a real prince charming and get a second chance to live happily ever after. (Wake up woman - that's never going to happen!!)

I'm lazy to think what the title for this post

Behind on writing these days, I still have my draft from 9 Feb and I don't know if I ever finished that draft or just start a new post.

There are just so many things I want to do - if only I can give up my day job, if only I have money coming down on me like rain, if only a day is consist of more than 24 hours, if only i don't have to sleep for at least 8 hours a day - I may be able to do one or more of these things I want to do.

I feel like i can be more productive if I can just stay at home and don't have to make a living - for one thing, I'm sure I can post more bla...bla...bla...on my blogs. Of course, that's what everybody wants and people like me, who can only dream and wish and write what she wants to do will never achieve anything.

I don't feel like being someone I can be proud of today or days before or even tomorrow (hope not), rising above laziness, using my brain and energy to be a productive person so I can feel good at the end of the day, keeping my spirit up, trying to find what my purpose in this world, etc, etc. I just wanna be lazy and not thinking. Whenever I write, it makes me thinking and feeling and I'm just tired of it - i guess that's why I'm lacking in my posts these days. Don't think this will over soon with us moving in to the new house and no access to cable or internet and other stuff following the moving :(

p.s.: I guess the 9 Feb draft will just be a draft since I have this one posted.

Looking for PRT

My 'pembantu' is quiting. She (I think) just turn 18 and she's going back to her 'kampung' to get married - the usual story. I asked her to give me a week to look for her replacement, so now, I'm busy looking for one.

To my soon to be ex-maid, congratulation...you finally get your dream (I'm quite positive getting married is their dream) and regardless the irrational reason behind this marriage, may you live happily ever after & please, for the sake of this nation, just have 2 kids at the most unless you're 100% sure you can finance all your kids through higher education so they can get better lives in the future.

Dreams, wishes, and just simply want it

In search of my personal self, expressing myself, and doing what I want to do, there are two things I would like to do/get right now.

First is writing a children book. I always like to read and I'm a big supporter of educating society through reading. Since I had a daughter, I've been reading her (children) books, from books that were meant for baby to toddler books and I can see that my daughter loves them too. However, there is 1 problem to this hobby. As good and positive as it is, to read books requires me to buy the books and as I am trying to educate my daughter in English, I have to buy imported (English) books and here comes the problem, in my country, imported books are not cheap - it can be considered a luxury item (at least for me it is). The average children book must cost about Rp. 100-200K. Just so you (the non-Indonesian) get the idea of how expensive they are - with Rp. 20,000, you can buy a pretty satisfying lunch (rice with meat & vegetable), so Rp. 100,000 means 5x lunch! I have been trying to buy discounted imported books by going to book fairs, but it wasn't going too wel (since the biggest book fair is only once a year and the discount was not that great either). I thought that there must be people out there who have the same dilemma as me, so that when I got the idea. A children book in English language written by local writer and published locally should be (much) cheaper than imported books, right? True, I found 1 or 2 of these local writer but somehow I always found mistakes in the book - a language mistake. I don't want to seem cocky, but I think I can do better (at least the language part, I don't know about the story part...yet). So.....here I am dreaming about becoming a children book writer started from zero and no clue what-so-ever. And to avoid embarrasment to myself as someone who can only dream, I will not say anything about it until the dream is realized.

Second, I want to will get a tattoo. Yesterday, out of nowhere, me & my hubby chatted about tattoo, about how I like that show Miami Ink and that those guys & gal are such good artists, my favorite episode, and how tattoo is personal, what kind of tattoo do we want to get, bla...bla..bla...and the important part of the chit chat was that he gave me permission to get a tattoo. (I have been wanting to get one but he didn't allow me). So, while this permission is still fresh, I am going to think what tattoo I'm going to get. As I told my hubby, the tattoo will be related to me, or my daughter or my beloved dad. Right now, I'm leaning toward the 3rd. Again, I will not talk about this until it happened since I'm kinda a big coward in needle and pain, not to mention my paranoia about getting AIDS or other illness from the needle, and so on. So, God knows it will took a lot of me to go ahead with this plan.

This is the last time

I think I had my karma from complaining about how my (husband's) relatives always commented on my daughter's resemblance with my s-i-l. Yesterday, again, we visited our relative as continuation of the celebration of Chinese new year, and what I thought to be a simple visitation (visited their house, dinner, chat a little bit, got some 'angpao' for my daughter, then went home) became not as simple as I thought. There were other people visited their house before we came. I met them before, they were family's friends and as far as I know, they were good people. But...again, this lady whom I never met, commented the same thing about my daughter (this time to my face, so I kinda appreciate that,at least she saw me) & I smiled. The sequence & the words were all the same as it was said in other occassions...it was like a repeated deja vu.

So...I concluded that it was my karma because ever since I posted this topic on my blog, I have heard this comment more and more often. Or maybe it wasn't karma, maybe it was just a coincidence since this last few months were months of celebration (with the housewarming & chinese new year thing), which meant we were bound to meet those relatives.

Anyway...this will be the last time I posted(complained) about this topic (at least outloud, on my blog). I'm sick of hearing it, & now, I'm sick of writing it.