ARRGGHH....

I have been busy tidying up the new house and make it as complete as possible so it looks like a real house with proper furniture in it. No phone line at the new home yet, thus the lack of internet and blogging.

Really busy and tired but inside, I was really happy and enjoying the new house, especially seeing my daughter enjoying it too. But last night I had a bad fight with the man and today, feel really lousy and exhausted, not physically but emotionally exhausted. I wish I can be brave enough to quit, take my daughter, and leave him and then saved by a real prince charming and get a second chance to live happily ever after. (Wake up woman - that's never going to happen!!)

I'm lazy to think what the title for this post

Behind on writing these days, I still have my draft from 9 Feb and I don't know if I ever finished that draft or just start a new post.

There are just so many things I want to do - if only I can give up my day job, if only I have money coming down on me like rain, if only a day is consist of more than 24 hours, if only i don't have to sleep for at least 8 hours a day - I may be able to do one or more of these things I want to do.

I feel like i can be more productive if I can just stay at home and don't have to make a living - for one thing, I'm sure I can post more bla...bla...bla...on my blogs. Of course, that's what everybody wants and people like me, who can only dream and wish and write what she wants to do will never achieve anything.

I don't feel like being someone I can be proud of today or days before or even tomorrow (hope not), rising above laziness, using my brain and energy to be a productive person so I can feel good at the end of the day, keeping my spirit up, trying to find what my purpose in this world, etc, etc. I just wanna be lazy and not thinking. Whenever I write, it makes me thinking and feeling and I'm just tired of it - i guess that's why I'm lacking in my posts these days. Don't think this will over soon with us moving in to the new house and no access to cable or internet and other stuff following the moving :(

p.s.: I guess the 9 Feb draft will just be a draft since I have this one posted.

Looking for PRT

My 'pembantu' is quiting. She (I think) just turn 18 and she's going back to her 'kampung' to get married - the usual story. I asked her to give me a week to look for her replacement, so now, I'm busy looking for one.

To my soon to be ex-maid, congratulation...you finally get your dream (I'm quite positive getting married is their dream) and regardless the irrational reason behind this marriage, may you live happily ever after & please, for the sake of this nation, just have 2 kids at the most unless you're 100% sure you can finance all your kids through higher education so they can get better lives in the future.

Dreams, wishes, and just simply want it

In search of my personal self, expressing myself, and doing what I want to do, there are two things I would like to do/get right now.

First is writing a children book. I always like to read and I'm a big supporter of educating society through reading. Since I had a daughter, I've been reading her (children) books, from books that were meant for baby to toddler books and I can see that my daughter loves them too. However, there is 1 problem to this hobby. As good and positive as it is, to read books requires me to buy the books and as I am trying to educate my daughter in English, I have to buy imported (English) books and here comes the problem, in my country, imported books are not cheap - it can be considered a luxury item (at least for me it is). The average children book must cost about Rp. 100-200K. Just so you (the non-Indonesian) get the idea of how expensive they are - with Rp. 20,000, you can buy a pretty satisfying lunch (rice with meat & vegetable), so Rp. 100,000 means 5x lunch! I have been trying to buy discounted imported books by going to book fairs, but it wasn't going too wel (since the biggest book fair is only once a year and the discount was not that great either). I thought that there must be people out there who have the same dilemma as me, so that when I got the idea. A children book in English language written by local writer and published locally should be (much) cheaper than imported books, right? True, I found 1 or 2 of these local writer but somehow I always found mistakes in the book - a language mistake. I don't want to seem cocky, but I think I can do better (at least the language part, I don't know about the story part...yet). So.....here I am dreaming about becoming a children book writer started from zero and no clue what-so-ever. And to avoid embarrasment to myself as someone who can only dream, I will not say anything about it until the dream is realized.

Second, I want to will get a tattoo. Yesterday, out of nowhere, me & my hubby chatted about tattoo, about how I like that show Miami Ink and that those guys & gal are such good artists, my favorite episode, and how tattoo is personal, what kind of tattoo do we want to get, bla...bla..bla...and the important part of the chit chat was that he gave me permission to get a tattoo. (I have been wanting to get one but he didn't allow me). So, while this permission is still fresh, I am going to think what tattoo I'm going to get. As I told my hubby, the tattoo will be related to me, or my daughter or my beloved dad. Right now, I'm leaning toward the 3rd. Again, I will not talk about this until it happened since I'm kinda a big coward in needle and pain, not to mention my paranoia about getting AIDS or other illness from the needle, and so on. So, God knows it will took a lot of me to go ahead with this plan.

This is the last time

I think I had my karma from complaining about how my (husband's) relatives always commented on my daughter's resemblance with my s-i-l. Yesterday, again, we visited our relative as continuation of the celebration of Chinese new year, and what I thought to be a simple visitation (visited their house, dinner, chat a little bit, got some 'angpao' for my daughter, then went home) became not as simple as I thought. There were other people visited their house before we came. I met them before, they were family's friends and as far as I know, they were good people. But...again, this lady whom I never met, commented the same thing about my daughter (this time to my face, so I kinda appreciate that,at least she saw me) & I smiled. The sequence & the words were all the same as it was said in other occassions...it was like a repeated deja vu.

So...I concluded that it was my karma because ever since I posted this topic on my blog, I have heard this comment more and more often. Or maybe it wasn't karma, maybe it was just a coincidence since this last few months were months of celebration (with the housewarming & chinese new year thing), which meant we were bound to meet those relatives.

Anyway...this will be the last time I posted(complained) about this topic (at least outloud, on my blog). I'm sick of hearing it, & now, I'm sick of writing it.

Arrgh...

Yesterday, I celebrated Chinese New Year with my husband and his family. My family is not really big on celebrating this day, thus each year, I stay with my other family to celebrate rather than going home to my mom (which I really really much prefer to).

This year was my mom's first year to celebrate the new year without my dad and I so much want to do anything (i.e: stay with her) to make her happier because although no one speaks about it, we (me & my sis) know how sad she would be. Regardless, I stayed with my husband & his family - I have to because this year, they celebrated the new year in the new house and my reason to accompany my mom is not strong enough. Why? The same explanation every year, this day is really important for his family (maybe the most important day in a year), while my family not so much. (not so much doesn't mean we didn't celebrate; we just don't do the whole nine yards like you guys do!)

So...there I was. A stranger among them....No, this is not the topic, this is just one of the fact that I have accepted proudly & happily.

Here is the point...I, again, heard that one comment I dislike hate. It came out from the same and new relatives (so, yes...it's more than once). So, writing it on my blog was definitely not stopping this people from being rude. FYI, this remark was never intended for me (maybe because they knew I didn't like it - so why do they keep saying it? Hmmm....because they were monster?), it was mostly to the pround grandparent or my husband or other relatives of his, who agree wholeheartedly with this remark. And...when they said it, I was there, standing (mostly close to my daughter), being obvious and seen and hurt and torn and mad. Sometimes, they even said it in their language, but I just knew.

To end this...let me say:
"Awww....your son/daughter is so...cute (ha...ha...ha...). He/she sure do like your husband/sister in law/brother in law/mother in law/father in law/aunt/uncle/cousin (from husband's sides) and so on and so on....." (you get the point). "You sure do not like your mother " (of course, this line is not supposed to be said outloud...that would be rude).

Enjoy that!!! You sick, rude people!

The Anger

If you guys only knew the rage, the thoughts, the conversation that I had (in me/in my brain) last night on my bed...you would either symphatize or the most likely, you would think I should be in an anger management class, or worse, you would think I was going crazy. Sometimes, I feel I needed something to stop my brain working too much (of course, not permanently for God sake, just a few hours) - wait it did happen when I finally fell asleep - thanks GOD. I'm alright now...i guess...for now...

Hope I didn't scare you.

DVD shopping list

Yesterday I managed to steal some time from work to check out the latest DVD at Poins Square, mainly I wanted to see if Weeds season 5 has came out yet, but turned out season 5 will not be started until around mid year (find out from the official site of Weeds).

After browsing thru the new released film, I finally bought 6 DVD movies and 1 CD:

1) Grey's Anatomy (the 2 most recent episodes - I never remember the current episode & season I watched, I just bought every latest episodes came out).
Grey's is still one of my favorite TV series and there was a time when I thought Grey's was the best TV series about hospital/doctors although I have a strong feeling that's not how hospital & its medical staff works in the real world.

2) The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Brad Pitt, whom I think is the Sexiest Man Alive (still...to this date) is in it. Enough said. Plus...we're talking about Golden Globe nominee or even Oscar movie here, so I'm sure it won't be disappointing.

3) Happy Go Lucky
Looks like a happy, fun, uplifting movie. Plus, Sally Hawkins won as the best actress in musical or comedy for this film.

4) Care Bear
Very cute...know it from the dolls but never actually seen it, thought my girl would love to see these cute bears. (seen it right after I got home and she loves it).

5) Gossip Girl (again, the 2 most recent episodes)
One of my guilty pleasure...big time. I copied this summary from the Gossip Girl herself and it sure works for me:
"Welcome to New York's Upper East side where my friends and I live, play and sleep - sometimes with each other. Enter the scandalous world of gossip girl: a world where everyone is gourgeous, everything is fabulous, and jealousy and betrayal are everywhere you look".
You see now, this is my escape from reality.

6) Bolt
Just for fun and it's a movie which I, my hubby and my daughter can watch together.

7) Original motion picture soundtrack of Twilight (CD)
What can I say? I love the series, love the movie and especially love Edward Cullen, and can't get enough of it, so the next step is to buy the soundtrack. (actually, just abt 15 min ago, I downloaded a draft of Midnight Sun, which I'm going to read tonight and I'm very excited - wait, I still don't know where I'm gonna print the 200 more pages, have to figure it out asap).

X.O.X.O.
Super mom

Trip worth a million

Ok...before I got sucked into the facebook frenzy for the day, I better write about my visit to the special place today and my invitation to all you readers.

***

This morning I went to the orphanage "Pondok Si Boncel" located in Srengseng Sawah, Pasar Minggu. I went there mostly because through a reading from "orang pintar", it is suggested that my husband should (some people took this seriously that it is not a should, but a "MUST") make a donation before Feb 2009 for good luck, safety & all other good things of our family, and she suggested a bag of rice and two bags of sugar will be enough. So, I did as ordered for the sake of my family (geez...I'm such a bad person for doing this act of kindness for my own interest).

For the record, I didn't believe in such thing (you don't do good because you afraid something bad will happen to you, you should do good because people need you, because you want to help), BUT if in the end, some people get benefit out of it, why shouldn't I do it and I do want to do it (for the right reason). Anyway, I had always wanted to do something for those people in need but always had reasons to postpone it, so maybe this is God's way of forcing me to (finally) act on it.

So, as expected, I got lost trying to find the place (I'm so stupid in term of direction), made a right turn to early, U-turn; past the intersection where I supposed to turn, then U-turn again, and after the 3rd U-turn, I finally arrived at the location. I made the donation and got the receipt from the girl who work there (Widi), then I asked her whether I can look around and she said yes & she gave me a tour.

The kids were...well....kids. They were lovely and amazing and made your heart warm.

Somehow, I didn't know what to feel the first time I saw them. I guess mostly, I felt sad and hopeless, but I also didn't want to feel pity for them because that would make them more sad (don't you think so?). I want them to see that they have chances to live better than this, that this is not the end of their lives and being sad in front of them just the opposite of this.

The place was not so big, there were about 90 children (30 girls & 60 or so boys) from age 0 to 7 years old live there. Next to the orphanage was a kindergarten school where these kids went(the school is also open for public & under different management than the orphanage). Widi told me that half of the kids are orphans but the other half are those who were placed ('dititip') there by their parents because they couldn't provide care for them for poverty or other reasons, and some of these parents visited their children twice a month but others never visited them again.

I can keep going and going about these children but I'm just not strong enough to describe it, because keep talking about it just made it so...bullshit of me (sorry for the harsh word - i meant it for myself). I believe the words orphanage & kids should sum up the condition. (if there's anyone out there is still thinking '"maybe the orphanage was a fine orphanage & 'hotel' like & children there live happily and enjoy their lives together". The answer is NO.) The orphanage was just like a normal regular boarding house (asrama) in Indonesia - it is not a fine place, it is just enough for people to live. But the good thing is the facility is maintained and it is clean and has a park and some outdoor toys for children to play.

So, like I said, enough talking and start taking action. The obvious and easiest help will be to make donation - they will take any donation you made and this is not just because they don't want you to feel bad or ashamed, but they do need them. Clothes, groceries, diapers, shoes/sandals, toys, books, etc, etc. - used or new (except diapers of course). Basically anything that babies and children need. For myself, I'll be going thru my daughter's unused clothes and toys and books and I will start from there.

I encourage all of you to help as much as you can to this orphanage or other orphanage of your choice. I know this seems cliche and you may feel no matter what you do, you can't make everybody lives happy, plus you got your own problems (especially with the economic downturn, and so on), but believe me when I tell you that your help means a lot to these kids. The feeling that the 10 kg rice and 2 kg sugar that I donated will later be cooked and served as food for these children made this trip worth a million and I can't wait for my next trip.

PS: Thanks to Ibu Ratna, Ci Alien, my P-I-L & hubby who made me took this trip (directly or indirectly). And thanks God.

Book Review - Maryamah Karpov

Recently finished reading Maryamah Karpov (Mimpi - mimpi Lintang) by Andrea Hirata. I'd say the book is just okay. I have never expected the book will surpass the first book in the tetralogi: "Laskar Pelangi", but I must say I'm still a bit disappointed by how the story of the book has turned out to be more fictional and un-original than my already lowered expectation.

On the upside, the book still offers me some new cultural and science-related knowledge, a few good laughs and memories.

The first few chapter about Ikal's dad makes me thinking about my dad too, as they're both similar in the ways that my dad was also like his - he was not a man of words but he loved his family more than he loved himself and although he never said the obvious, we, who knew him, knew without doubt that he would sacrifice anything in the world to make all his daughter happy. And then, there was the story about Lintang, which I've been waiting for and never get enough of. Apart from those few chapters, I read the book only to finish it (thus, finish the tetralogy) and move on to my next book. The book has become more and more fictional and I doubt that it was based on true experience, like the story where Ikal & his friends sailed across the supposedly the most dangerous sea and met the most dangerous pirates just to find his dream girl and so on. Then there was the part where Andrea explained about how the Melayu people like to call their peers with names they created themselved based on their habit, bla...bla..bla...and he gave so many examples that I thought it would never ended. And finally, there was the ending that left hanging - I thought the book is the last of the tetralogy, I expected a good ending, or at the least a definite ending.

To summarize, Maryamah Karpov is an okay book but I don't recomment reading it as a single book by itself (I read it because it's part of a tetralogy). But I'm still glad to be part of this tetralogy, which was considered as one of the best Indonesian literature in recent century (this refers mostly to the first book, Laskar Pelangi).

Bored

I'm bored, nothing to do. Obviously, the global economic downturn is affecting the store and now, I got nothing to do except waiting for big, huge order (i.e: money) to come down to us so my boss will shut up and stop pestering me in the month to come.

With this time to spend, I know this should be a perfect time to write something on my blog, but I got nothing on my mind...I mean, have a lot of things on my mind but right now I just don't know what to write on especially with my hubby working on his laptop behind me (we're sitting back to back as we speak). Lately, he's been consistent in his office hours and spending more time in my office space (okay, it's not officially my office space, but I think of it that way since usually, I'm alone and free to do anything I want). Now, with him here, I cannot think and write freely - I need privacy and I need time to write.

I am learning how to write

I said it before in my old post that I am learning how to write and one of the ways is by reading other people's blogs - people whom I think are good writers and whose articles I enjoy reading. I know when I said people, some of you might think (or I myself hope) that I read a lot of people's blogs...well, I wish I have time to do that but in fact, when I said people, it's actually 2 persons (yes, only two blogs), specifically blogs by the name of tangobaby & dee idea.

By reading their blogs (can I say reading their blogs? or should I say reading the articles on their blogs?, anyway you know what i mean), I was hoping I can learn one or two writing skills...but the truth is I spent more time reading their articles than writing, and sometimes, like now for instance, after reading Dee's blog, I felt like giving up on this writing idea because there is no way I can be as good as these people (not in the near future at least) and that means there will be a long time before someone will actually read what I've written. More, Dee also said that she dislikes type of blog that are in diary form and I agree 100%...telling people what you're doing each day as if your life is interesting is just other way to brag about yourself. And I feel that's what I've been doing - I am writing more about myself & my life than anything else and who would want to read that. Do I want to read it after I post what I've written? Maybe once just to see the result, but not more than that.

But then, as I was writing the previous sentences, I went back and read tangobaby's blog and hers is also a diary type of blog but how can it be so interesting, smart, refreshing, funny, original and creative all at the same time - far from boring or bragging. So, I conclude that it is not the type of blog that makes it boring or bad, it's the content and the skill of telling the story (of your life) that makes it good & interesting. (I realized my conclusion is so obvious (duh...) but the funny thing is until you find the conclusion yourself, it's not a conclusion, it's only a theory - at least that's how it feels).

I think that's why I chose to learn from these 2 blogs - Dee with her skill in writing fiction books in Indonesian, a language that I think is even harder to write (well) with than my second language (English) and Tangobaby with her skills in representing everyday life as art, full of interesting and new stuff.

Anyway, I still don't know the direction of what style my blog is going to be, but I do know that I like this writing idea. I like how it makes me feel when I finished writing it, published it to the world, and finally re-read it.

No matter how hard it is...(no, actually, knowing that it is hard), makes me want to do it better. Meanwhile, I need to learn many many more words from dictionary if I want to improve my writing skill, because I realize my vocabulary is so limited, and more sadly this limitation is in both languages I supposedly familiar with (Indonesian and English).

Just shut up already!!

Enough is enough...just shut your mouth up!!

Everytime at family's occasion (my husband's family, that is), there's always someone or two or three...that commented that my daughter looks like her aunt (my hubby's sister). "Look at her...oh my god, she really looks like her...ha...ha..ha..". And that someone or two or three are not always different people, most of the time, they are the same people.

From the beginning, since my daughter was born almost 2 yrs ago, this comment never missed...and since the first time I heard it, I didn't like it, but of course being a polite and civilized person, I tried to hold my opinion, agreeing with them & laughing with them (as difficult as it was). I am not denying the fact that my daughter may resemblance my sister in law, but hearing people say it over and over and over is unnecessary (to me personally, it's rude & ignorant). Plus, she is only a little girl, and they say it like they know she will grow up just like she is now and her looks will not change (what a dumb thought).

And...the fact that my sister in law is not my favorite person, our personalities are so opposite of each other and my physical gene is better than her (I try to ignore this part as I don't want to judge people based on looks, but I can't help it when it comes to my own blood), make it even harder for me to smile and not taking this seriously. As a mom, of course, I want my daughter to look like me or my husband and the fact that she's more resemble my husband's sides than me/my family's sides is already somewhat dissapointing for me but then, these people just say it outloud and more often than I'd like to hear. So, honestly, I don't blame anybody at all, but I think enough is enough & I wish people can be more careful in what they're saying & think before you speak!

And for the record, my daughter may have a physical resemblance to my s-i-l, but not that much that a comment or two won't satisfy it. I don't know why people so fond of saying it. Plus, I know for sure besides the physical resemblance, my daughter's intelligence, personalities, and other traits are so not like her, I trully think it's more like me. Again, not that there's anything wrong with her, I just need to let this rage past so it won't haunt me. Hopefully, by saying (writing) about it on my blog, this comment will magically disappear and never be heard again.

Wish

The more I read tangobaby blogs, the more I admire her. I only know her from her articles but I get the feeling that she sees everything, including the boring activities of daily life as an art (or maybe there was no boring activities in her life?). She opens me to this other world that makes me want to try them, hoping that my life can also be seen as an art.

Since I read tangobaby, I read more and more blogs as a way for me to learn how to write and also to read their interesting articles. These blogs (people) opens me to the world of writing, words, poems, photography, and last but not least, through these people, somehow, I get the courage to express my feeling, my thoughts through writing. Neither shy, embarrasment, self-conscious, nor afraid that people will actually read it can keep me away. You can say I could have found blogs much sooner, but what can I say, my interest on blogs just materialize recently. I'm just glad I found it.

***

Many years ago, a few months after I graduated from college and with the asset of a degree, a piece of resume, and much enthusiasm, I got my first professional job at a retail company in Chicago. On the first day, when my supervisor introduced me to the owner of the company, we chit chat a bit, introducing myself, life history in a nutshell, and he said something that basically meant that I was a young girl who was brave enough to move to US with my family almost 1000 miles apart and managed to get a degree and a job. Then he said to my supervisor something like "While you, where have you been (beside Chicago, maybe at best East Coast)?". Of course, he meant it as a joke.

***

I don't know if my boss meant that comment he made seriously to praise me or just something to break the ice. But, today, as I'm writing, I remembered his comment and I thought that there's something wrong with it. As much as I would like to accept that praise, I never think of me as that brave (or at least the brave in the way I want to be praised for). I merely went from a developing country to the most developed and strongest country in the world with its facilities & support system that didn't exist in my country to pursue my education, in which 99% of the expense were paid from my parent's bank account. So, my job was to study and get the highest grades as I could possibly get. And that was exactly what I did, study and study, graduated, got a job...bla..bla..bla. That was the easiest thing to do (now that I think about it).

Of course, I managed to have some fun doing it and honestly, I like studying, I like school, I guess I could say that I'm one of those 'smart Asian girl'. At that time, I thought the fun, the experience I had was enough, considering if I had too much fun I would have to sacrifice my GPA and that was a bad thing to do. I don't mean that I regret my 'then' life and I don't want to use the excuse that I did this for my parent because at that time, that's all I knew and my parent never force me to do anything outside my will (thanks God for them). This is just a moment where a person remembers her past and wish that life could be different, wish that she had known what she should do at that time for herself.

***

Anyway, to get to the point and to finish this long article, my point is that I am not a brave person, brave in the definition that I have tried a lot of things in my life, especially things that are outside my comfort zone, outside what I have known, outside responsibility & purpose, things that consist of challenges and present new exciting experience that satisfy my needs of living, instead of resulting in financial gain. So, again, this is the reason I also started writing, and hopefully this is the start of my new 'exciting' life. And I wish 5 years latter when I go back to this period of my life, I will see real improvement that make me really proud of what I am.

Happy New Year 2009 fellow bloggers!!!

People Like You

A brand new year!

A clean slate on which to write

our hopes and dreams.

This year:

Less time and energy on things;

More time and energy on people.

All of life’s best rewards,

deepest and finest feelings,

greatest satisfactions,

Come from people--

People like you.

Happy New Year!

Tick tock tick tock...

I'm sorry I haven't written anything for the last couple of days, maybe more than a week? well, I appologized mainly to myself since I promised myself to be committed in writing, instead i'm busy with other things. In my defense, I kinda don't have enough time writing on my blog, and with the skill I have or don't have as a writer and the issue of english as second language, it took me forever to write. The thing is I have a strict daily schedule...in short, the schedule is as below:

wake up around 8
getting ready for work, waking up my kid - 40 min.
work from 9 am - 5.30 pm
lunch time 12 pm - 1.30 pm (which I use to have lunch & play with my kid for a while & prepare my kid for a nap).
at home with family. dinner, spending time with my kid, tidy up, shower, etc. - 6 pm - 9 pm
after my kid fell asleep (at best, at 9.30 pm or worst, at 11 pm) - alone at last, time to relax, watching TV/movie, keeping up with the reading, hunting for snack in the fridge, eating the snack while watching TV.
12 am - go to sleep zzzzzzzzz

With that schedule, my only time for blogging is when I'm at work. This is a rule I make for myself for 2 reasons:
1)I don't want to sacrifice the time with my kid/family for other things (read: blogging).
2)I'm more than willing to sacrifice my time at work for other things (read: blogging).

Like I said, it took me a while to write what I want to write and it's not that convenient to take all the time you need update your blog without having to watch your back whether you staff noticed that you've been on the internet for too long. Hence, the lack of writing on my blog.

And after my kid fell asleep, I always goes for TV, it's like a magnet...there's something wrong if don't watch TV for a day. Sure I can go blogging while watching TV, but the internet connection & computer was on the other floor of the house, so that requires me to go downstairs leaving my kid unsupervised. So, that's not an option. I hope by moving to the new house, I can make arrangement so I have a wireless connection or a room close to my kid's bedroom where I can login to my computer/internet anytime anywhere...