Mom's Dream

Just seen The Sisterhood of Travelling Pants 2 on DVD and it clarifies my dream for my daugther and the fact that movie is where I learn about life.

Anyway, in that movie, i've seen young girls living their lives as they should be. Following their dreams and have the freedom to do so. Maybe these girls won't be what they want to be in the future, but when they can, in this case, while they're still a young girl, being a high school or college student, they lead their lives positively and freely.

And that's what I want for my daughter, doing things that she wants to do, hopefully make a career out of it sucessfully (plus being rich & famous from it don't hurt either), because I believe a happy life is where you do what you'd like to do.

My first 'kinda movie review' (what the heck...it's my blog afterall)

Watched Twilight recently - i don't think I need to tell anybody what the movie is about as I am sure everybody who is alive and not a complete ignorant already knew. Despite the not so good review, I thought the movie is better than my expectation, of course I didn't expect much from the movie either (sorry). That's the beauty of low expectation. But really, i think the movie is good, the chemistry between Bella and Edward is surely there and that's important, I enjoyed watching it and quite satisfied with the cast, especially with Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson.

In fact, after I saw it, I went home and started to read (read: skim) through the books again just because I want to. I have to say I am too smitten by Edward Cullens...this is probably the most embarassing thing to say considering I am NOT a teenager and I know man like that does not exist...hey, but he's not a regular man, he's a vampire and it is a fictional character so everything is possible and I don't think I am the only mom who is smitten by this character (or am I??).

Anyway, if there is one thing that needed to be improved in the sequel, I would choose the make up. A little or much improvement on the make up will make the movie a lot better (hint: learn from make up artist of 'Interview With The Vampire'), especially for Jasper. I don't know if it's the make up or the too-much potrayal of brooding vampire, but Jasper looks far from scarry, in fact he looks really funny, like some kid put a make up on him. I literally laughed when he came up in his first scene.

Looking forward for the sequel, in fact before the sequel, I may watch the movie again (in DVD) and try to get to the censored scene. Yeah, I live in Indonesia so there's always a censored scene, even if it's a PG-13 movie.

That's it for my first 'so-called' movie review. See you in the next movie review (if you still dare to read it next time).

X'mas Message

So, yesterday, the Christmas Day, I finally managed to go to church to attend the Christmas Mass, the last Christmas Mass schedule before the day ended, the 5 pm mass; alone. The church was not crowded at all, which is really good as one of many reasons that makes me lazy to go to mass especially at Christmas is the crowd and the heat from the crowd. But yesterday was really nice, the weather is cool as it is raining season, there was drizzle ouside the church, the seats inside the church is still quite spacious even after everyone got his/her seat, there was no need for an extension of seats in the parking lot, which I bet the previous mass would need. Somehow, I noticed that many of the people who attend this mass were a small group of 1-3 people, maybe a daughter with her mom or grandmother, small groups of friends, teenagers with their mom, a grandmother - not many that are a complete family (mom, dad, children, etc), which was usually the case in the night before christmas mass or the morning or the children mass. Honestly, this situation helped me to concentrate on the mass instead of comparing my life with those people who attend mass with their families, laughing, celebrating, being all happy & cheerful. Not that if I had what they had I'll be all cheerful & happy - naturally, I'm just not that kind of person & I don't want to be one, but I'm a just a human afterall, and sometimes, I do comparing my life with others.

Back to the mass...
So, i followed all the routine things went on in the mass - the singing, the reading of the scripture, the homily, reciting the Nicene Creed (my favorite part), the communion, the prayer. It felt really good, I felt really peaceful, probably because I missed it so much, the mass, the church, God, and I'm glad I came alone.

This is probably the second time I went to church this year, the other one was on Easter day, so, I'm probably the last one on earth you should listen to when it comes to religious topic, but I'm just delivering the message I got from the pastor. Anyway, one thing that stick on my head after the homily is that the pastor read 'A Letter from Jesus', and in that letter Jesus felt sad because on this special day, people celebrate the birth of Him by having party and what not, but most often, those people didn't even invite Him to that party. I realized that's true, for me at least. I know...i know that the letter was not really from Jesus, it was written by a pastor to his followers, regardless, the message is true. Christmas is not about whether we are in the mood to celebrate the day or not, it's not about our happiness or missery, success or failure, family or no family. It's not about us, it's about the birth of our saviour, Jesus Christ and He will be the spotlight, if not on every day of our lives, at least on His birthday.

So, to all of you and for myself, i hope this poem will remind us what Christmas is all about.


The Real Meaning of Christmasby Joseph P. Martino Copyright© 2003

Two thousand years ago the King of Kings was born.
'The Lamb of God' later made to feel the thorn,
If his words are accepted and not scorned,
They will make us all reborn.

Though God's grace, Joseph and Mary presented
A gift to the world that day,
which we can all repay,
by living the ten commandments each and every day.

Try to remember and keep in your heart and mind
Jesus's gospel while here on Earth,
Redemption not a life lived in constant mirth.
Peace on Earth, good will toward man
Everyone should try it, whenever they can.

The Lord gave us the option and choice of 'free will',
Now it's up to us to fit the bill.

So when you’re Christmas shopping for family and friends,
and money is tight at both ends,
Remember that the greatest gift of all,
Is your love of Jesus in the manger stall.

Commitment

Busy...busy...busy...
But someone recently told me to devote more time writing & keep practicing if I want to be good at it, so this is me showing my commitment in writing.

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Have been busy preparing our new house that we started to built since almost 2 years ago for the 'grand opening'. The big day is next monday, Dec. 22, which is said to be a good day for moving. Who determine this is a good day or not is another discussion that involved faith/believe of certain people, in this case, the real owner, the funder of this house, my P.I.L, and i'm not gonna go into that discussion ever. I may not a believer, but i know what karma is and i do afraid of karma.

Some of you who read my old post may wonder why about a week ago, I wrote that my marriage was almost failed and now, I'm busy preparing a new house. Does it sound right for you guys? Because it seems that a family who is preparing a new house and will be moving to this much better house is supposed to be a happy, newly established family. Maybe some people who understand this case may think that we are in denial - denying that we have big problem in our marriage, denying that we cannot communicate without fighting, denying that we both unhappy in this marriage. Well, part of it is true - we do are tired of fighting, of having endless discussion on how to fix our marriage but never find the solution. But, aside from that, I'd like to believe that maybe if we ignore it, not bringing it up again and again, we will be better, because both of us know we need to change but we cannot say it outloud, we cannot promise to each other anymore & not keeping that promise, so here we are...living our life as normal as we can. And all I can do is hoping that I'm right, that we will live together happily, if not forever, at least for a long time and give our daughter the real happiness.

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While I was writing the post above, I was actually thinking that I may expose too much of my personal life. Is this true? Maybe I should not talk about it on my blog...but i have typed those words & I don't have time to make a new post. I promised myself that I will write from the heart, I will write what I want to write without thinking other people, so I guess I should just leave it and post it.

So, I guess publish post is the next step i should do. Here we go...

Something to ponder

Two days ago, I was forced to face one of the things that I'm sure many people, especially Indonesian, clueless, yet know what's coming into him/her when facing this issue - that is "dealing with a tax officer".

This was not the first time I dealt with a tax officer, but it was definitely one that was more personal and involved more cash that I usually dealt with. Anyway, after reviewing the case, calculating the taxes involved, bargaining, it ended with something like this:

Me: gimana pak, tolong deh pak diturunin lagi. bantuin donk pak, client saya kan sebenarnya gak perlu bayar sebesar itu. Memang yang tentuin rate-nya siapa ya pak?

TO: ya, ratenya ditentuin pemerintah bu. Memang begitu. terserah ibu deh, pokoknya itu yang bisa saya bantu. kalo mau cepetan, kalo tunggu lagi saya gak jamin bisa tetap sama.

Me: baik lah pak. besok saya akan kontak bapak lagi.

TO: baik bu.

Isn't this sad and hopeless? I am very much wanted to do the right thing, not just for me, but for this country, volunteer as someone who can say NO to corruption or other form of it. But, again I failed.

We are so used in asking for "help" or "bantuan" from this people with authority in order to save money....and if we did not ask for help and went through the legal way, we felt like a stupid person, deceived by the system, "too naive" - that's what the old generation said. While I was negotiating with the tax officer, in the back of my head, I was thinking "why don't we just pay him already, stop negotiating, my client clearly can afford this...it's not small money but it's not that big that she cannot recover it in a few months". But then, my friend said if he were my client, he too wouldn't be willing to give the money to the officer without negotiating because part of the money was for him, not for the government or country, which it should have been.

Is what my friend said is true or is it just a reason to justify our doing as the other end of someone who's been corrupted?? Maybe we are willing to be corrupted for a greater benefit?
But somewhere out there, there are a lot of people who don't know that they've been corrupted and they are living in poverty because of it and I hate to think that somehow, I contributed to their suffering.

Blabber

Man...my staff is such an ass! I won't make her ruin my day. It's still early and she's already put on her "i'm busy, now what?" face.

Music

It's been a long time since i listen to music...not just listening with your ear, but listen with your heart, spare special time to listen to it, not just listening while in the car, at the club, or while doing other activities.

That day, I downloaded a few albums into my new MP3 player from my computer. The Best of Cokelat & The Best of Live -those are the albums i picked randomly. That night, I decided to test the MP3 in my bedroom, waiting to fall asleep (alone). I cannot describe the feeling, the experience, but it was like something good coming back to me, something that I don't even realize I've been missing - MUSIC. Bendera from Cokelat flowed into my ear and actually lifted my spirit; to fight and not giving up on my country...country that no doubt has weaknesses, problems, and sadness but nevertheless, still standing and attracts many people. Then...Live came with its "All Over You", "Run to the Water", "Dolphin's Cry", "Turn My Head"...and these songs amazingly brought me to this other side of me, me that's not thinking about anything, just listening and sometimes sing along with the song...I want to sing with the band, rocking, banging my head, jumping, screaming.....I kept listening & enjoying each songs. I was actually happy, glad that I bought that MP3 and actually used it. Glad that instead of dwelling on my unhappiness, I chose not to...at least for that 2 hours on Dec. 9'08.

My ear is tired from the earplug (it always does that to me). Tired & sleepy, time to turn it off and go to sleep. Thank you GOD for giving me this chance to re-experience this feeling, to once again, find that there are other things other than my broken hearted, problems with marriage, boring work, etc, etc.....

Home

Just come back from visiting my mom...
It was a relaxing 2 days. I leave my kid with her grandparents in jakarta, so kid free. This is the first i leave her without me and she's just fine & happy as usual - i'm the one who miss her badly. But it's good, that means, i can travel without worrying her next time.
It's always good to be back to my own home with my own family. Playing with my dogs, watching Korean movies, eating mom's dishes, chit chat with my mom, my sister...then go to the beach to spread flowers & pray for my dad. It's so relaxing...sometimes I even forgot about problem with my hubby & marriage...wish it stays like that.

Confession

My 2.5-year marriage is in trouble. My hubby yesterday decided that we should be sleeping in separate bed & do our own activities & not talking to each other for now & see what happens...
F***ng heartless, weak, poor man!!
To write about how this started will be a long time & i'm honestly sick of hearing me thinking & remembering about it and by writing, it'll only make it clear that there's no hope in us.
In short, our problem is like classic man & wife problem, he said, she said....and instead of falling into that group who can communicate their differences well, to compromise, to act based on love, to not keeping count of our mistakes, to see thing objectively....we fell into that group who keep fighting and cannot understand each other needs and keep hurting each other until that love we used to have fades away...(I wanted to say i understand his need & have improved but he doesn't...but again, maybe not, so for this, i will be fair and blame it on both of us). I admit that I'm not in love with him anymore like i used to but isn't that what happen on married couple...we have other love, other important thing...like kid. But i know for sure that I still need him, i still miss him while he's gone, i'm still waiting for him to finish his work & spend quality time with me...but him, i don't see him wanting me like that anymore, yet he said he need compasion, support, respect and he doesn't get it from me. And the problem continues...on and on.....
I'm not ready for divorce for many reason...but i also cannot save this marriage alone and it seems my hubby has given up and ready for separation...

Pilot

well..., I have a lot of things to say but don't know where to begin. Honestly, I'm not used to sharing my thoughts or opinion to people close to me, apalagi to the public...There's always the first time and this is my turn.

ehmm..ehmm...here we go..........
..................................

maybe letter, i just don't have anything to say right now...

so much for the pilot :(